Smilesandgrins

I could do anything. I could feel anything. But what do I pick? Of course, just nothing. I could be happier, but I don’t let myself. I’m not supposed to be happy. I don’t know why I just never...never let myself. I’ll laugh for the sake of others, every once in a while. I don’t understand myself. But soon I’ll run out of things to rant about. Ha, four in and I’m already doubting continuing. That’s about how big my self-confidence is... Oh well. I do wonder what I’ll do when I stop ranting, what I’ll vent with... I’ve used other methods, but others nearly found out... so I had

"You fell. Are you ok?" "Yeah..." I'm used to bleeding by now... "...I'm fine. Just a scrape." "You look nice today." Fucking lies. All of them. "Thank you." "How've you been?" "I'm..." I feel like tearing my head off. I want to murder the world, including you. So please fuck off and let me draw in peace "...great. How're you?" What the fuck, me. "Hey, did you draw that? It's so cool!" "Umhmm..." Please stop hovering over my shoulder like that. Please stop breathing on me and staring on me with that fucking smile on your face. Please, I'm asking nicely. "...thanks."

I’m awkward. I’m stupid. I’m not smart. I’m gonna fail. There’s nothing I’ll ever be able to do. I feel like I’ll never get to do anything. Never experience anything. My “friends” deserve the world. I don’t fit in with them. I picked them to be around because they’re the only ones I can stand. That’s right. I picked them. They probably wouldn’t keep me around if I didn’t just stay. I don’t contribute to the group at all. Hell, They’d all probably be better off without me. Keep smiling, for their sake. So they don’t feel guilty. I’m

Maybe all of this isn’t so bad. Maybe i can... None of this is too bad I suppose. I shouldn’t feel down, or depressed People have had so much worse lives than me... People who stay standing and strong and never give self doubt a second glance But I can’t do that. Of course, I don’t deserve it. I’ve got a life of ease... But of course, I don’t deserve happiness either. People are much happier than I am and deserve it for making others happy. I don’t deserve anything. I haven’t done anything. I can’t do anything. I’m pathetic. I’m pathetic. I’m pathetic.